Humorist In Chaos Pillows

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

"And just where is it written that dystopias can't be fun?"

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

Excess Baggage: In the old days folks called 2 weeks with 4 kids in a non-air conditioned car a vacation.

'George! This way quick!'

When Fred's super deluxe leaf blower blew up yet again, he wondered where global deforestation is when you want it,

'His Trout Almondine Veal Cordon Blue in mushroom sauce was crudely seasoned.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

'Sunday in the park'

"Did someone just shout 'sinkhole!!!'?"

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

"Walter had an attack of road rage in the driveway."

The insurance giants do battle, ironically costing their own companies billions of dollars in claims,

"And WHATEVER you do DON'T FALL DOWN THE STEPS or put your finger in the ELECTRICITY socket."

Preserved head and mobile phone.

"I'll call you back. I'm in a meeting."

Mime in an Emergency Ward at Hospital

"Ooh, Igor — a dead rat! You shouldn’t have!"

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

Covid Juggling

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

worrying letters

'You can come back as a zombie OR a ghost, Randy, but not both.'

"What can I say? Tough split."

'John's ,um wouldn't have heard if I had said please and thank you - she was too busy shouting for help.'

"Pierce and Pebble, Solicitors. Here's a writ for you to appear in court for harrassment of our client, Dr Faustus."

"Are you sure you should be on this list?!"

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

101 uses of a dead cat: toast fork

Dancing with death.