Humorist In Hard Times Gifts

Vulture waiting outside a failing business.

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"I just hope the world doesn't end before people can see our outfits."

What's that? - 'It's a mosquito bite.' - 'Scratch it!' - 'No, I need to buy some cream.' - 'Make it bleed!!!' - 'Gahhh!!!' -

"I'm TRYING to extinguish my ego, but I feel so CONSPICUOUS up here!"

"In mitigation, Sunny Chemicals would like to point out that prior to contracting his skin allergy, Mr Crumb was already ugly."

"Times are perfect for us masochists!..."

'I think we're going to have to add another storey downstairs...'

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

'Due to budget cutbacks, we need to get by with less.'

"Apparently, the new boss isn't exactly a barrel of laughs."

'Excuse me, sir, I know you didn't get your bonus, your house is mortgaged to the hilt, you have two kids in college, your employer is facing bankruptcy and . . .'

'In this economy, I don't say anything without first saying, in this economy...'

'Albert Figgis gets board backing.'

'Personally, I thin the downsizing went too far.'

worrying letters

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

'Since I lost my shirt on the stock market, I now only accept strong currency or gold bullion.'

'Sales of new homes are plummeting. I suggest we build old homes.'

'The way things are going in the building trade we are never going to be part of a demolition project in our life time.'

'I'm sorry, Rendleman - But in this economy we just can't justify a company poet.'

'I had a really bad day at work! . . . I was expecting it to be utterly horrific. . . but in the end it was just really bad. . . My cracked glass is half full!'

"Men just won't leave me alone!"

'Every time I get paid my creditors form a flash mob.'

"Are you sure you should be on this list?!"

"Pierce and Pebble, Solicitors. Here's a writ for you to appear in court for harrassment of our client, Dr Faustus."

Crossed fingers on a sign for the operating room.

'We've experienced something of a recession, Mr. Bosworth, but it seems to have bottomed out.'

'So, how big was your 'Bail-Out' bonus?'

'I see you're aware of the problem with the phones.'

TV 7 Weather

'He said I was one in a million but forgot to tell me about the other nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine.'

'We're both dog-tired.'

'What's the downturn done to your ho, ho, ho?'

'Hey who approved all this stimulus money for basketball arenas.'