Humorist In Recessions Gifts

'In this economy, I don't say anything without first saying, in this economy...'

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"A whack, whack here. A whack, whack there. Here a whack, there a whack. Everywhere a whack, whack."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

"She just takes things too seriously in our relationship."

The Forbidden Joyce Kilmer

Honest Vending

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"...You talking to me? Well, I'm the only one here... You talking to me?!" "Narcissus De Niro"

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

Local rock claims to have been muse for Emily Dickinson poem "I'm that 'little stone' honest to goodness!"

"William Blake said you can see the whole world in a grain of sand, but he doesn't always make a lot of sense."

"Try picking up a girl after you've renounced everything."

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"Yo, Ned Beatty, paddle harder if you ever want to kiss me again."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"He's very disciplined about his writing, every morning he stares at the keyboard for at least 4 hours before he allows himself a cup of tea!"

'Neither a lender nor a borrower be.'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

Kultural K9's.

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Tolstoy and Dostoevsky plan a collaboration - 'War and Punishment'... it'll make us a bundle.

T.S. Eliot lacks the courage to eat a peach.

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

'Friends, lab rats, country mice, lend me your ears...'

Hamlet in the craft shop.

Encyclopedic Novel Slam.

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

'Will you marry me, Gloria?'

"I write mostly confessional non-fiction."