Aspiring Jokester Pillows

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"You want to be a comedian? You can't be serious!"

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'It's either a boo-boo or an owwie, but the doctors need to run some more tests before they decide.'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Child steps off chair and says, 'Tough crowd.'(Cat looks impassive)

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

'Mummy, Mummy, I've been practising the whole afternoon: Wanna hear my evil laugh?'

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'Remind me again, Dad. Why did you want me to get that college degree?'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'Okay, okay! You can have a lick of my sucker.'

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

'It certainly sounds like a fantastic offer, but I'm not supposed to answer the phone.'

"We need someone who's responsible."

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

'Well if sixty is the new fifty and forty is the new thirty then yes,twenty must be the new ten...'

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

Politics Books

"Your S.A.T. score was 13. Have you considered clown college?"

'How can you tell?'

'Let me clarify something, Simpkins. . . I didn't say you were going to Mexico. . . I said your job is going to Mexico.'