Competitive Jokester Pillows

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'If I thought for one moment that you were identifying...!'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'Tax man practical joker sticks sign on colleague's back which reads; Tax me.'

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

"Apparently, I'm fun, but I'm no fun in bed."

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'Tender and Juicy.'

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."