Professional Jokester Pillows

'That's like being a kamikaze pilot veteran, Lots of missions, but no success,'

I really don't like your attitude. I really don't like your Snuggie.

National Association of Funeral Directors.

'What, no tip?'

'Oh, lighten up.'

"Recruitment has been a NIGHTMARE, so we've had to widen the net a bit."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

That isn't what prove you're not a robot means, Bob.

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

National Optometrists Association. O.K., whose idea was it to form a focus group?…

"Remember, the password is case sensitive."

Hey boss, that generic soap you gave me isn't really cleaning the cups. Mind if I go get some brand name stuff? Are you insane? There's zero difference between generic and brand name products. Corporate America just cons people into thinking "you get what you pay for." Don't be a stooge, Rudy. Don't fall for it. Now get in there and scrub those cups, minion! Strike a blow for the little guy against corporate lies! Wait ... I'm very confused. Are you a right-winger or a left-winger? You mean in w

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"