Professional Jokester T-Shirts

'That's like being a kamikaze pilot veteran, Lots of missions, but no success,'

National Association of Funeral Directors.

'What, no tip?'

'Oh, lighten up.'

"Recruitment has been a NIGHTMARE, so we've had to widen the net a bit."

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

'Hey, what happened to my cookies?'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Everybody on the internet now knows I'm a dog, so I'm pretending to be a cat.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

"You idiots … we lost!"

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

"Yes, but you're a half hour late in dog minutes."

'Face it dear, we are as old as we look!'

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

"He was right about saving that box. It did come in handy."

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."