Career-driven Jokester Pillows

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

I think he's joking. "Placebo" can't be a real medical science term. It sounds like a funny name for a clown.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"Yes, but you're a half hour late in dog minutes."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

'Alan, it's the 11th hole, and that Tiger Woods mask isn't intimidating us...'

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

Dentists who do appendectomies.

"We need someone who's responsible."

'I suppose you think you're sitting there imagining me in the nude.'

"And after you've been with us for awhile you're entitled to a week at the company's resort cubicle."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

"…and don't let your cash buyout, stock options and lifetime medical benefits hit you in the button the way out."

'Can you do shorthand?' - 'I don't know, I've never tried.'

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

"I find it admirable that you're so honest about your flaws in your resume. This has just saved the both of us a lot of time."

Politics Books

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"Sorry, but your good references don't match the passion of your bad ones."

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Let me clarify something, Simpkins. . . I didn't say you were going to Mexico. . . I said your job is going to Mexico.'