Career-driven Jokester Pillows

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Can't you do something more creative than messing around with cupboard doors?"

"So...what are you doing after you graduate?"

"Freshly ground pepper?"

'You say you're willing to start at the bottom...'

"So, Mr Canary, I see you have experience as a mine safety specialist..."

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

'When you said, Dream Team, I thought you meant the Swiss Bikini Team.'

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'Next time you want to cheat and use someone else's resume, I suggest you do more than scratch out his name and put yours above it.'

'You're allowed to pick up the ball before it stops rolling, you know.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'Hey,mom-have you seen my pet frog?'

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

"Yes, but you're a half hour late in dog minutes."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

'And that one painted and forgot to close the curtains.'

"We need someone who's responsible."

Dentists who do appendectomies.

'I suppose you think you're sitting there imagining me in the nude.'

"And after you've been with us for awhile you're entitled to a week at the company's resort cubicle."

"If we were really best friends, you would be fetching my slippers once in awhile."

Politics Books

"I find it admirable that you're so honest about your flaws in your resume. This has just saved the both of us a lot of time."

"…and don't let your cash buyout, stock options and lifetime medical benefits hit you in the button the way out."

'Can you do shorthand?' - 'I don't know, I've never tried.'

Pantomimes Are Lousy Painters. . .

'If Michelangelo Was a Cartoonist.'

"Sorry, but your good references don't match the passion of your bad ones."

"This resume appears to cover only the last forty-five minutes."

'Let me clarify something, Simpkins. . . I didn't say you were going to Mexico. . . I said your job is going to Mexico.'

"You've got the job, but you've got to change your clothes."