Domestic Comedians Gifts

Man lies online saying that he is not married and his wife hits him over the head with her rolling pin.

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd played catch with me more.'

Retirement Presentation - Please think again, my wife doesn't want me home all day.

'Is this the remains of last Sunday's beef roast, or something left over from the dawn of creation?'

Choosing washing up liquid - "You choose, it's your department."

'Come here immediately and explain why you sent me only one Valentine's card!'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

Family working together

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"I'm looking forward to the next thirty five years of her living with us."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

Their father would frequently have to barge in and pantomime to his kids that they were not being quiet enough as they pantomimed actual noisy children.

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"I see the cat's left us another little offering."

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'