Domestic Comedians Gifts

Man lies online saying that he is not married and his wife hits him over the head with her rolling pin.

"Galileo, I've had about enough of all your gravity experiments!"

'This wouldn't have happened if you'd played catch with me more.'

Wedding cake

Retirement Presentation - Please think again, my wife doesn't want me home all day.

'Is this the remains of last Sunday's beef roast, or something left over from the dawn of creation?'

Choosing washing up liquid - "You choose, it's your department."

'Come here immediately and explain why you sent me only one Valentine's card!'

"For Christmas you got me a roll of wrapping paper? And you wrapped it?"

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

Emotion of Mr. Kenwigs on hearing the family news from Nicholas

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I call it 'rage loaf'."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Here's our little bundle of joy."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Family working together

'Think about it guys: We're fed and sheltered, why would we ever think about leaving the nest?'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

Their father would frequently have to barge in and pantomime to his kids that they were not being quiet enough as they pantomimed actual noisy children.

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"I'm looking forward to the next thirty five years of her living with us."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"It said on the packet the pasta should act as a vehicle for the sauce."

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'

"We're neither software nor hardware. We're your parents."