Domestic Comedy Enthusiast Gifts

"Please bring him home safely so I can kill him."

"That's where all our grocery money goes!"

'Your dung is in the oven.'

'I don't know what you're mad at me for. I didn't invite my husband to the wedding!'

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

Dinner's gonna be late - any questions..?

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Mulch madness"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"The blow drier is broken."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

Search for Missing Socks

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."