Domestic Comedy Enthusiast Gifts

"Please bring him home safely so I can kill him."

"That's where all our grocery money goes!"

'Your dung is in the oven.'

'I don't know what you're mad at me for. I didn't invite my husband to the wedding!'

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

Dinner's gonna be late - any questions..?

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"Mulch madness"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"The blow drier is broken."

Search for Missing Socks

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'