Domestic Comedy Fan Gifts

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Now he's saying:'stop shouting at me, darling, or the children might hear'!'

"For one million dollars, what have I been talking about for the past ten minutes: the upcoming election, my mother, my job, or an article in the Home section about kitchen makeovers?"

'Call yourself domesticated!'

"While she was making breakfast I told my wife about 'time and motion' and making fewer trips to the kitchen...."

"Being right all the time must be a terrible burden, huh?"

"Oh George, I wish you'd get things in perspective. . .!"

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"Retirement? No thanks!"

'It's your wife. She says you'd better call Dial-A-Prayer before you head for home.'

'George said he wasn't going to shave or get a haircut until he wins his first arguement with me.'

Reginald, are you stralking me?

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'Will you fill my cat's litter box, please?'

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'Shorry I am late dear! Hic! Wass for dinner, hic?'

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"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I don't want them overexcited,so we don't say T-R-E-A-T around Buddy or B-E-E-R around Bob."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"What?!"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"Why do they do that?"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

Giraffe Umbrella

Bad fake tan day.

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

If time travel was invented in 1600 in England. I'm a fan of the bard. Let's see if he wants to take a journey through time. Globe Theater. Sounds fun! Let's go to 2020. It's a nice round number. Zazzz! Poof! That's weird. How did they know he was coming? And why does he need to leave this place? Apparently you can't be here, William. The sign says "No Shakespeare in the park this summer."