Domestic Comedy Gifts

'Hello Darling, I am on the bed with the window cleaner.'

"Damn it, Maureen! You just don't break up a winning combination!"

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Some things just belong in a landfill, dear.'

"I'm getting real sick of picking up your laundry, Adam."

'Behind every successful man there's a woman, telling him he isn't successful enough.'

'Something's bothering you, isn't it, Carol?'

Husband sleeping on the sofa overlooked by wife

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"Mulch madness"

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

"I hope you're not using any of the canned food I so diligently stockpiled.

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"The blow drier is broken."

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"Galileo, I've had about enough of all your gravity experiments!"

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

'I didn't hear you calling. I can't listen to everybody who yells at me.'