Domestic Humor Gifts

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

Sometimes I regret choosing a fitted sheet.

'I'm really thirsty.'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'I'll get into the garbage, Whiskers here will wreck the sofa, and you - you'll drive the getaway castle.'

"Honey, do you know where the checkbook is?"

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"Take me to your Larder!"

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Mulch madness"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

"I must come to the supermarket with you sometime dear, they seem to sell everything!"

"The blow drier is broken."

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

"Life is so much easier since I brought the XL Robovax for Clive."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

"I'll be on the porch, pushing ninety."