Domestic Comedy Viewer Gifts

"Irene's mother warned her about marrying split pea soup."

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

"See that stain? My wife did that, not me. All her, totally her fault."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

"And remember, woman... I'm the one who wears the sassy pastel yellow toreador pants in the family!"

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

"Mulch madness"

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'Say, Hon. . . the pizza's burning.'

"And I suppose you forgot to bring home the milk."

'... And your wife says; don't bother looking for the key to the drinks cabinet, because she's hidden it where you'll never find it.'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

Cockroaches struggle to use the ski lift.

'He'll do the dishes now that I've attached an accelerator.'

There were a million things Alexander Hamilton hadn't done

'How many times do I have to tell you about putting the toilet seat back up?'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

"We need a new stove. This one's beginning to burn oil."

"The blow drier is broken."

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

Search for Missing Socks

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'Maybe putting 'Sleep 20 Hours A Day' first on the list wasn't such a good idea.'

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

'Certainly you may come in for a drink. You live here.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"I told you not to leave without taking out the garbage!"

'Harold, I told you not to eat the last piece of pie!'

"Quit with that racket - you're scaring the fish."

Hi love...one less for tea tonight

"We couldn't do this before the iron age."