Satirical Couples Gifts

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

I DATED A GUY FROM THE FAIR, BUT . . .

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

'I want to finish with him, but I'll have to wait until he's made the final payment on my engagement ring.'

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

'You can have any opinion you want as long as it's mine.'

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"Morning, Brad." "Morning, Angelina."

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

His and Hers.

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'I will subject to certain conditions...'

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"

"Marry you? Why I wouldn't even vote to let you into my co-op."

'That's his new trophy fishwife.'

"Despite my best efforts, you're still the man and I'm still the woman."

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

"Can I turn off the game and set the table? Ha, ha! Oh, honey, you are hilarious!"

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'