Satirical Spouse Gifts

"When you have a minute love, my 'new man' t-shirt needs ironing."

Roach Motel

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"I never thought I'd get married again."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

'You're becoming so distant, Els!'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'Can I just have the money?'

"I've got nothing on for the next few months, do you fancy sex?"

"I can't sentence your husband to hard time in this court, and having met you, it would be unnecessarily redundant."

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"Separate clouds, please."

'It's bad enough losing to a takeover bid, but when it's your wife who takes over....'

"You can skip all that love, honour and obey, baloney, just make him promise to put the toilet seat down!"

"You may now start packing on the pounds."

'That's the mental cruelty pair,she's cruel and he's mental.'

"My wife of fifty years would kill me if she knew I was having this affair."

"And is there any particular reason Mrs Muglewump for you wanting to divorce your 93 year old billionaire husband?"

'My wife is setting the world record for an unconsummated marriage!'

"I wanted to capture the essence of my wife when I painted her. . . I think I succeeded, doc."