Spouse Humor Gifts

"My wife complains so much about being a golf widow I've set a date for her funeral."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'The rain must have made our garage shrink...'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'What seems to be the problem?'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

Google Translate for Marriagese

'I wish to lose all excess weight.'

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"