Spouse Humor Pillows

"My wife complains so much about being a golf widow I've set a date for her funeral."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Let's take in a trial."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'The rain must have made our garage shrink...'

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

'What seems to be the problem?'

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

Google Translate for Marriagese

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"