Marital Satire Lover Gifts

'I don't deserve you? Listen, NOBODY deserves you!'

"So exactly WHEN did you divorce your wife?"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

The finer points of marriage.

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

"These should help me approach your father on his own level."

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

"Divorced?" "Separated."

'...And do you Colin, take Linda to be your cook, cleaner and main income provider?'

'Hello, Mr. Harris?... This is the private eye you hired to follow your wife. I'm afraid you were right, she is sleeping with another man.'

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'I'm entitled to one phone call!'

"He left me. I doubt it was for another woman, though. He asked me for a letter of recommendation."

"You've always let me down in this marriage."

'Actually, your wife's quite hot... Mind if I ask her for a date?... Post decree absolute, of course.'

'It would never work, Shep - I'm housebroken, you're not.'

"I've got nothing on for the next few months, do you fancy sex?"

"It wasn't until after fifty years of marriage that Mike finally learned the importance of putting the seat down." "Happy anniversary. Now flush."

'I can't go on like this Wilfred - you've changed so - You're no longer the man I married.'

"You may now start packing on the pounds."

"My wife of fifty years would kill me if she knew I was having this affair."

"I left my wife today. Of course it was to pick up her dry cleaning and feminine products but it felt good."

'I call it, 'Albert Was Insufferable'.'