Lover Of Marital Humor Gifts

'Well? What have you got to say for yourself?'

"I clipped his wings, but they grew back."

'This is ridiculous! I say we get back on speaking terms!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

His and Hers Wedding

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"No heroic measures."

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"Yes, we know them. We like them, but we're not crazy about, you know, the other him."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"Now remember - ten paces, turn and fire..."

"And they all said, twenty five years ago, that our trial seperation wouldn't last!!"