Marital Humor Enthusiasts Gifts

'Be honest with me, Louis. Are you seeing someone else?'

'In lieu of sentencing, my client has agreed to be lectured by his wife.'

"Oh, that's just the pedestal your father used to put me on."

"This personal lubricant has an expiration date of 2025 - just saying."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

His and Hers Wedding

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

"No heroic measures."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

'I don't want anything for myself...But if it's not too much trouble, please send my mother a son-in-law who's a Doctor...'

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'

'I told you he had a temper.'

"You're only as old as you feel, right, honey? And today, I feel like being 24!"