Marriage Humor Connoisseur Gifts

"If it's any consolation, mine is considered the best head-lock in my self-defense class."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"No heroic measures."

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"You call that worrying?"