Married Couple Jokes Gifts

"My wife complains so much about being a golf widow I've set a date for her funeral."

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'And thanks be to the lord that we're going out to eat on Friday...'

'Despite his laser eye surgery, he still doesn't see the mess he leaves in the living room every day.'

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"Let's take in a trial."

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'Is this what you're looking for, dear?'

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

"It's cardio day for me and external-obliques day for Joan."

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

"Sorry. No refunds."

'I now pronounce you husband and wife. Let the nagging begin.'

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

"Do you know how distracting it is when you spin the chamber on that revolver?"

'The man at the beer store said this ale is made without any harmful chemicals, so I added some myself.'

In my will, I leave my credit cards to my wife.

"Big deal, so you taught him to beg. I taught you how to do that on our wedding night."

"Are you sure? Hot sex is a leading cause of global warming??"