Marriage Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

What wives say and what husbands hear.

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

'I know I retired just last week, Mr. Hartwell, but could I have my job back? My wife fired me.'

Comments better left unsaid: Husband - 'According to this survey, women live seven years longer than men.' Wife thinks 'We deserve it!'

What a weird way to start a conversation

"Your husband appears to be OK, but he fractured his crutches."

'Could you speak up Mrs Jones, I didn't hear what the problem is...'

Try Mediation

'Is that a threat?'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"Looks like it's you and me again boy."

'An optimist would say, 'Half Full,' but I'm going that extra step and say you're Completely Full of it.'

"My concession speech will be brief. You win."

'You're right... I just don't get it. And I recall a time, not so very long ago, when you loved that about me!'

Couple fighting while marriage counsellor takes notes.

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'I tried to get a new lease on life, but my wife refused to co-sign.'

"Just a little further back dear..."

'He'll drop the 'honor and obey'... if you'll drop the 'till death do us part'.'

'Fish gotta swim...birds gotta fly...husbands gotta...beats me!'

'If marriage is a two-way street, mine could use a crossing guard!'

'Look, Ralph -- nobody said marriage was going to be easy.'

'I inherited a huge deficit from her first husband.'

'Don't get the wrong idea -- I screamed out of boredom!'

"My husband doesn't intimidate me. I do what I want then I get a headache."

'I can always tell when she goes through my pockets.'

'The question was directed to you, Sir. It's not necessary to call for 'back up'.'

'You say you won't cook or clean or wash or iron...is there anything you would be willing to do?'

'Dave's a sexaholic, he's only interested in it when he comes home drunk.'

'What do you mean, 'Ishould have phoned before coming around!?'... This is my house and I'm your husband!'

"If my husband starts nibbling your ear, you have my permission to confiscate his teeth."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met..."

"I've already got one luv!"

"I know what'll make you feel better."