Marriage Hilarity Enthusiast T-Shirts

'I married Miss Right... I just didn't know her first name was Always!'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

His and Hers Wedding

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"No heroic measures."

"You call that worrying?"

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"