Marriage Mockery Appreciator Pillows

'Dear Henry, and dear Liza, for the sake of the relationship, just buy a new bucket!'

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

'No, you can't just watch the end of Bargainhunt!'

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

"No heroic measures."

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

'Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until one day she decides to bite off your head and eat you.'

"I figured you'd end up looking like that."

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

'If someone objects to this union, tweet now or forever hold your peace...'

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

'Could you speak up Mrs Jones, I didn't hear what the problem is...'