Marriage Satire Enjoyer Pillows

"You can skip all that love, honour and obey, baloney, just make him promise to put the toilet seat down!"

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

"Yes ... no!"

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

The finer points of marriage.

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"I never thought I'd get married again."

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

'Dear Henry, and dear Liza, for the sake of the relationship, just buy a new bucket!'

"It may surprise you to know that, contrary to your experience, you're actually very happily married."

Dog to person whose legs are sticking out of doghouse: 'Which important date did you forget this time, Jeff?'

'Could you speak up Mrs Jones, I didn't hear what the problem is...'

"My concession speech will be brief. You win."

"If my husband starts nibbling your ear, you have my permission to confiscate his teeth."

Spark Notes Wedding Vows

'When I think of all the men I could've married...'

'I really hope that Fred makes the most of it until she joins him for the rest of eternity!'

'Sometimes I think you only married me for my employer's spousal benefit health insurance coverage.'

'Hello, Mr. Harris?... This is the private eye you hired to follow your wife. I'm afraid you were right, she is sleeping with another man.'

"Divorced?" "Separated."

'You're right... I just don't get it. And I recall a time, not so very long ago, when you loved that about me!'