Humorist Of Marriage Gifts

"I'm sorry, Harold is resting at the moment. He's been trying to be amicable all day."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

The finer points of marriage.

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

"...for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death or litigation do you part?"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

"Let's take in a trial."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."