Proponent Of Marital Comedy Gifts

"I'm at my nastiest tonight."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

Try Mediation

"My husband is taking me on a cruise, so I’m looking for a book that will help me forget that I’m on a cruise with my husband."

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

'Wow, that was unforgettable.'-'What was?'