Wedding Comedy Fan Gifts

"I peed in the shower. . . than got attacked by the bride and her friends."

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

'Okay.. what the hell.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'You may now kick the bride.'

"You knew I was hooked when you married me!"

Man with lobotomy scar - "Changed my mind."

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

"His note says the bachelor party was so great, he's decided to remain a bachelor."

"Ah-h, her comes my better half now."

'I told you he had a temper.'

'As your solicitor I must ask you to consider divorce an option of last resort. We could mount a drone strike against your husband at a fraction of the cost.'

'Do you Margaret take Charles to be your etc, etc, etc...just hit the 'I agree' button.'

'And do you, Leslie Farnsworth promise to stop wearing camouflage so that your wife will know where you are?'

"I got my wife a book on decluttering and the first thing to go was me."

"Now that that's over, let me tell you what I'm really like"

"One more word from you and I am leaving home."

When Female Leopards Marry.

"To begin with, he ate most of the wedding cake..."

'What did I say to annoy you? I may want to say it again.'

"My wife isn't speaking to me."

'You can't just nod. You have to say, I do. Good Lord. Are all mimes this annoying, or is it just you?'

Just married.

'Forget about marriage conselling: Me, I sent Max to Obedience School instead...'

"I'm afraid it's 'I do' ... not 'Undo'."

'We can't get a divorce... we haven't paid for the wedding.'

"I remember when you used to whisper sweet nothings in my ear."

'You wanted me to take you to my leader. Well, my wife is my leader.'

Trouble Ahead

"Man, I hate it when she sneaks up on me like that."