Comedic Spouse Gifts

'Your husband tells me you like to spread the word...?'

"I'm going out to shovel snow. Here's five dollars if you talk me out of it."

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"The blow drier is broken."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

Inside voice!

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

Roach Motel

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

Searching for condom.