Comedic Spouse Gifts

'Your husband tells me you like to spread the word...?'

"I'm going out to shovel snow. Here's five dollars if you talk me out of it."

"I always take an interest in my husband's hobbies. . . that's why I hired a private detective. . ."

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"The blow drier is broken."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'I want a refund! It refuses to go into my son's room!!'

'Today the market corrected itself AND Leonard.'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

Roach Motel

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

Searching for condom.

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."