Comedic Couple Conflicts Gifts

"Oh, so NOW you switch the captions off!"

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"April Fools'! You should’ve seen the look on your face!"

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Boyfriend of the Month.

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"The blow drier is broken."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"Alien life-form or not, those dishes won't wash themselves up!"

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

"You lick, I'll dry."

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

'...I really wish you would of told me you wanted to be a ballerina before we got married.'

'OK, pal, you've called me a little shrimp for the last time - let's see what you're made of!'

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

Searching for condom.

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

We never go out anymore.

"I said I wanted to see you in skimpy clothes..."

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

'Since we were first married, I vowed I'd never let Jim see me slopping around in the mornings with my hair in curlers!'

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."

'How about some marital counselling, hon? Should we grab some while we're in this aisle?' 'No, we're fine on that.'

'My dad warned me about fellas like you!'

'Why don't you put your money in the Bank, instead of stuffing it under the mattress?'

"You don't need tech support. You have those on backwards."