Comedic Marital Challenges Gifts

'Actually, it's after I returned home when I was held as a POW...'prisoner of wife.'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

'We never go anywhere together except here.'

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"He doesn't fiscally stimulate me anymore."

'I told my wife she had to choose between me and that precious boat of her's. She called my bluff. Can I sleep on your couch?'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"We're only staying together for the sake of our marriage guidance counsellor."

'Will I still be married?'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'He's not the man I married. In fact, none of them are.'

"I mean it this time Brian, it's either me or the jazz!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"I liked it better when we just had your people call my people."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'We don't text anymore.'

They Removed my Brain.

"We were so happy doc. . . but then she changed!"

"It's alright for you, female worms are everywhere, but when was the last time you saw a Mummy-Long-Legs?"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"Marriage and water, I find, don't mix."

"I guess the honeymoon's over. My husband got me a gift card for a psychotherapist for our anniversary."

"The law is a jealous mistress, something wives just have to understand."

"Quite frankly, I've had a gut-full of all his Shakespearean drama!"

"Well yes, I've been away for a long time, but you knew I worked on a Pirate Ship when we got married..."

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'The only thing we have in common is that we're in love with the same woman.'

'We blow hot and cold. He argues it's too hot and I say it's too cold.'

'In defense of forgetting our anniversary, I forgot we're married.'

'... all you have to say is QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!'

"You're keeping something from me, aren't you?"

'None for me, thanks. It might improve my mood.'