Comedic Spouses Gifts

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"The blow drier is broken."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

Searching for condom.

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'