Comedic Spouses Gifts

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

Woman telling her husband not to swear in front of the baby.

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Mom, what setting do you use for warming up slippers?'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

"Congratulations! It's a pass."

"The blow drier is broken."

'The good news is we were able to remove the homework from his stomach. The bad news is, your kid can't write worth a damn.'

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

Inside voice!

"And then it hit me—I'm sleeping with my mother."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"I'm doing just fine ??" as long as no one decides to do a background check."

"Dad, I'm playing the role of the husband in our school play!"

"Tia Carmen, I think I'm growing up. I ate five slices of cold pizza at 3 in the morning...and I woke up with a stomachache."

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'You reckon your Pram' will do 'nought to four miles per hour in ten seconds'...I wasn't born yesterday, you know!'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

'Don't worry about me, mom, I'll be fine as long as you keep working!'

"I dunno. It just doesn't "feel" like a diaper."

Searching for condom.

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

We never go out anymore.