Comedic Couple Advisory Gifts

"Try to remember to flex your ankles and if possible walk up and down the room."

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'Do you Duane, paternity suit notwithstanding, take Diane...'

"Maybe what she really wants you to do is rub her tummy."

"The blow drier is broken."

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

'Hey babe, I got two tickets to the gun show, you interested?'

To insure Rodney's safe websurfing, Thelma sets her own parental controls.

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

"Well, I think they fit perfectly."

This pregnancy thing just isn't working out, Steve - I can't use my laptop!

"Honey, I'm home."

We never go out anymore.

'Are you crazy! The nest is made of dry grass and twigs: Smoking is a massive fire harzard!'

'Since we were first married, I vowed I'd never let Jim see me slopping around in the mornings with my hair in curlers!'

'The answer is yes - I'll sign your pre-nuptial agreement.'

"I said I wanted to see you in skimpy clothes..."

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

Searching for condom.

'How can I miss you if you won't go away!'

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'

'How about some marital counselling, hon? Should we grab some while we're in this aisle?' 'No, we're fine on that.'

'Why don't you put your money in the Bank, instead of stuffing it under the mattress?'

'My dad warned me about fellas like you!'

"You don't need tech support. You have those on backwards."