Comedic Couple Appreciator Gifts

We never go out anymore.

I want to rip out our lawn and plant a wild meadow. And I want lost of well-mown grass. What do you recommend? Nursery open. Just a sec. I'll check with my dad. No way! Tree's Tree Nursery. I'm not suggesting a marriage counselor!

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"Dare I ask for mustard?"

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

"If she's a write off can you let me know the scrap value?"

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

'I married him because he made my feet tingle when we played footsie. Turns out it was neuopothy.'

'We were made for each other.'

"The blow drier is broken."

"Mom, this is Sarah, the friend I was telling you about."

'Things haven't been the same since the alien abduction.'

'The oceans are vast, yet we never go anywhere!'

"....'Sickness, health? ... better, worse... richer, poorer?'... how about leaving me some wiggle room!"

"Anyone else would have ship wrecked us on a south seas island."

'Your dinner's in the microwave.'

"You should always stretch before engaging in strenuous activity."

'If you don't plan on snacking in between meals, then why did move the fridge in here?'

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

Clown has hit wife with custard pie. Marriage guidance counsellor says: 'Does he end every argument like this?'

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

'On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, how attached are you to the cat?'

"You've been ages,dear-but never mind I've been patiently waiting in the pub accross the road!"

'Wait...if you leave me, can I come too?'

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

'When I married him, I didn't expect the full frontal crudity!'

Gay couple living together.

'You told me I should run the house like a business, so what am I bid for dinner?'

"I'm looking for a GPS with Morgan Freeman's voice. Maybe my husband will listen to it."

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

"I'm sure it's a false alarm - my husband must have the leak fixed by now."

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

"You ever notice how heavy your head is?"

'That holiday I booked for my wife to the Galapagos Islands? She found her way back, so can we try another destination?'