Comedic Appreciator Gifts

"The Bible . . . that would be under self-help."

"This is the future of logistics. Thanks to our new technology this parcel can miss-send itself to somewhere in Kazakhstan."

"I know I encourage employees to take initiative, Tom... but I think you should change that back!"

'Why would I want an ocean-going yacht when I've got a rocking chair in my front porch?'

"Uh, these are all bowling certificates."

Teacher to student: 'I taught your father. He owes me $3,000 for therapy.'

'I've obscured the view at Milan, Prague, Paris, and Madrid...'

'He looks loaded!'

"Beware Animal Lovers"

'Hooray! A Christmas miracle! I suddenly went blind an can't see that mistletoe above your head!'

'Here you go, kid! A worm.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

Cow's Last Will and Testament.

The Ferocious Viking Wiener Dog

"For the last time stupid, you're tin man, you are not by any leap of the imagination, anything like Iron Man!"

'He went in for the Worst Singer and won first prize in the Gurning competition at the same time!'

'I believe we've located the cause of your back problem, Mrs. Kangaroo.'

Fly Fishing

Ten Plagues for Today's Seder

'I heard the Board was talking about kicking you, but I don't know if it's upstairs or out.'

Songs about Texas, next 1100 miles.

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'I asked Will if he wrote it. He said he wasn't sure.'

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

"Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!"

"I just cleaned that glass! How can it already be covered in nose prints?!"

Conservation Area

"Did you just do a rooster?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

Golfer mistakes a hen's egg for his golf ball.

"A haand gel...!?"

'Another blond hair! You've been making a lot of night calls lately...'

All-Verbal Westerns