Travel Cynic Gifts

Prison on an airplane

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

No Immediate Danger

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

'Memo: Cancel flight.'

'This is the fourth single woman to attack the Valentine's display this week.'

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

This country is on the road to ruin!

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

"I'm starting to think those rave reviews about this place are rigged."

'I'm really getting tired of all these Christmas commercials.'

"Of course your data isn't really in a cloud. That's almost as silly as thinking your money is actually in this bank."

'All roads may lead to Rome but so does all the road rage.'

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! My family reunion is in Bermuda this year. But I hate flying. Ever since they started poking and prodding and x-raying and de-shoe-ung us, I swore I'd only go places to which I could drive. Are you using post-9/11 security enhancements as an excuse to avoid spending time with your annoying relatives? Because if so, I salute you. I will not be fondled by the TSA just to watch Aunt Bertha do the Electric Slide.

"Right, now have got everything - passports, airline tickets, parachutes..."

We value your privacy. . . . . yeah, right.

'If you believe Christmas is over-commercialised, press the Sponsored by Cola red button.'

Aurora Boring Alice.

Poverty in Tourist Attractions

Excess Baggage: Airline CEO's should be forced to work at the check in counter explaining those hated add-on fees to passengers.

"Amid rampant crime, political instability, frequent attacks by nationalist guerrillas, and numerous endemic diseases, I assure you there is no chance of boredom in this exotic tourist destination."

Such a Coincidence

Motorway services charging extra if you want your food cooked.

Pot hole.

Bedbug Hotel Reviews

'I can't wait to get this holiday of a lifetime over so I can get back to my banal existence.'

Ministry of Transport: 'Pssst! Do you want to buy a railway?'

I hate the beach.

'What's all that about, is there a match in France?'

"Relax. I understand the airline has established several new safety procedures!"

"So that's agreed then, we'll go with 'Happy Festive Period' as long as we add a codicil confirming we are in no way responsible for said 'happiness' or 'festivity'."

Terror Plots We Could Really Use

'Everything is illusory, but television is ESPECIALLY illusory.'