Traveling Cynic Gifts

Airport Screening gone wild...

"...Our extensive in house survey found that 82% of you think in house surveys are a waste of time."

'Everything is illusory? -- Even reality shows?'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'I suppose they call it the rat race because only rats ever seem to win.'

"Lets get 100% behind the boss."

'The rich get richer and the poor get poorer. That's a wonderful mission statement.'

"My MP ensured that there are laws which allow me to evade taxes legally. We both end up winning!"

Famous Oxymorons...

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

'I hate my life.

Will Self deprecation

'So to sum up this lengthy discussion: at the next meeting we'd prefer one platter of Brie and grape, one of honey glazed ham, and one of roast beef with wild horseradish - and NO cheese and pickle.'

"Do I still believe in Santa Claus? I don't even believe in Congress."

Once a politician is elected, his work is over.

'The dip in profits here is attributed to the purchase of this projector and screen.'

'That's it?'

'It's a deal -- I'll introduce a bill to bail out your country club, and you'll introduce a bill to bail out my country club!'

"Nah...not really...he's only won one game!" (Clever dog).

"This looks cool, Mum, a university offering a degree course in Greed."

"...and, if elected, I promise never to tell another lie...oh, there I go again!"

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'According to the voice-stress analyzer, he's not going to lower taxes.'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

"Our curriculum focusses less on rote memorization and more on putzing around."

CONGRESS, 'You don't have to fool all of the people all of the time -- you just have to fool the press!'

Economic promises

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

"Why do you hate leap years?"

'Remember, Hannon, give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll have no further use for you.'

'Remember...if at first you don't succeed, hire a scapegoat and move on.'

"Bad news - Buddy flipped the van, spilling eight crates of samples into rush-hour traffic. Good news - the van flipped logo-side up."

'I've found that once you've learned to fake honesty, you've got it made.'

"Of course your data isn't really in a cloud. That's almost as silly as thinking your money is actually in this bank."

"The poor guy believes in the existence of honest and unselfish politicians!"