Vacation Cynic Gifts

I hate the beach.

No Immediate Danger

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"I said isn't it great to get away from it all."

"I've just about had it with these corporate retreats."

Welcome to Yosemite, Hell on Earth!

"My husband won't do Florida - too sunny. He's afraid of falling asleep on the beach and waking up 75-years-old."

Death Takes A Time-Share

'The shrink said my holiday was hereditary - my family.'

Senior Investment Analyst R.G. Thornhill glimpses the Universe in a grain of sand and is not impressed.

"We'll see you soon, kids! Your mother and I have won a romantic cruise for two on some man's huge ark."

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

'It'll be a working vacation.'

Hiker and the Rodents.

Academics At the Beach

"I just can't seem to get into the spirit of the thing."

'Maybe now you'll admit that we're lost!?'

Southwest Hampton

Stanley Middleton

'Don't worry. I have no intention of drinking the water.'

'I'm really getting tired of all these Christmas commercials.'

Scrooge: only-23-days until day after Christmas.

Sign pointing to the beach and in the direction of mobile phones.

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

'If you believe Christmas is over-commercialised, press the Sponsored by Cola red button.'

"I hate the beach. The minute you go into the water your phone gets ruined."

"Amid rampant crime, political instability, frequent attacks by nationalist guerrillas, and numerous endemic diseases, I assure you there is no chance of boredom in this exotic tourist destination."

'About time... my parents are keeping me here against my will.'

Just In - Untreated Sewage Blobs

"Not only do I need an escape to the beach, I need to escape the beach with a book about someone escaping their life."

Riot policeman lights his cigarette with a protesters flaming bottle.

Motorway services charging extra if you want your food cooked.