Airport Cynic Gifts

Watching strangers undress, then and now.

Stop! Stop what? Do not change the channel! Sex, death, harrowing footage of the most remarkable story you've ever seen, tattoos, rock-n-roll, action, action, action! It's all coming right up, right after this five second break for station identification. Five seconds ... You're watching Rock Television. And now back to our ... bored. Welcome to ABC. We've got thrills, action, more thrills ... Click. I've got your action right here. We've created a monster. Click click click click click cl-

No Immediate Danger

"O.K., you're good. Next!"

"I think I've arrived at the airport too soon"

Obama builds own gallows.

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Those new airport scanners can see through clothes!'

'Is this one of those deals where the names have been changed to protect the innocent?'

Old Rope

"I'd better read the official view before I form an opinion."

This country is on the road to ruin!

Revealing Airport Security

"Am I covered for the brain cell damage caused by your TV commercials?"

You're on "Ask Sadie." What's your problem?! My family reunion is in Bermuda this year. But I hate flying. Ever since they started poking and prodding and x-raying and de-shoe-ung us, I swore I'd only go places to which I could drive. Are you using post-9/11 security enhancements as an excuse to avoid spending time with your annoying relatives? Because if so, I salute you. I will not be fondled by the TSA just to watch Aunt Bertha do the Electric Slide.

'All roads may lead to Rome but so does all the road rage.'

"...nineteen, twenty. Ready or not, here I come!"

"We interrupt this endless stream of mind-numbing adverts to bring you a TV programme..."

'I'm fed up living this way as a recluse. I'll get a place in the country, and become a hermit.'

Pot hole.

Such a Coincidence

'Attention, Flight 1362...In our customer Lounge we're showing a short film: 'Blooper Reels of Strip Searches' to help pass the time...'

Motorway services charging extra if you want your food cooked.

"Amid rampant crime, political instability, frequent attacks by nationalist guerrillas, and numerous endemic diseases, I assure you there is no chance of boredom in this exotic tourist destination."

Prison on an airplane

I hate the beach.

Airport Screening gone wild...

'If you don't want to know the scores please exercise your distrust of the BBC now.'

Close enough

Lifeguard watching puddle in road.

"As a courtesy for the inconvenience, please accept a voucher for three additional hours of your life, redeemable upon your death."

Standing room in airplanes.

'I saved 10 minutes at the hotel with speedy checkout, 10 minutes at the car rental with instant check in. Now I'm spending 6 hours on the runway.'

"I've lived in New York City my entire life, and I've never visited the Statue of Liberty...too many tourists."