Travel Critics Gifts

1001 Places To Be Stabbed Before You Die,

Dear Diary. . . why, oh why, did I choose an adventure holiday?

'You can forget the Captain's table-we're not paying that kind of money just to eat with the crew!'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

Have you considered a career in travel brochures?

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and Rachel took the one less traveled... Huge mistake."

"Seriously, I'm not lost: I'm a travel writer..."

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

Orville Wright, not sure he wants to eat airline food, brings a sandwich to his historic first flight.

"Once again, how little did you pay for this room?"

Skip the TSA scans by wearing a Burka

Excess Baggage: Many hotels, inspired by the airlines are gouging their guests by adding 'resort fees' to the room rates.

'I'd prefer it if the view was closer.'

'They're out there, they swallow your stuff, and who're you gonna call?'

'If you've brought us gifts we don't want any more Des O'Connor records!'

'You know how you can never be bothered to read Tim and Sue's postcards?'

'Back in 1956 you were the youngest Briton to cover the Hungarian uprising. You are presently writing your memoirs in Sardinia. First question: how do you feel about the sorry state the London Underground is in?'

'The tales I could tell, sonny... I've marked my way across 7 continents, from the Kelly green hydrants of Belfast to the salty yellow curbs of old Shanghai...'

The Antiquary

The back of the Taj Mahal.

'Don't you have any maps of undiscovered secrets of ancient temples?'

I Love This Job...Its Just The Commuting I can't Stand.

Nothing to Lose But Our Knees

'Memo: Cancel flight.'

Pussycat says to Owl: 'This is rubbish, can we PLEASE do Ibiza next year?'

The Photographer

"Lest we forget, dear Tenzing, it's about the journey and not the destination."

'Oh wait, I've got a good one! I spy with my little eye.'

"I thought you said you paid extra for a cabinet with a Seaview."

'It's bad enough that the stupid cruise ship didn't pick us up...'