Tourism Critic Gifts

River Styx Experience Visitor's Centre

'You can forget the Captain's table-we're not paying that kind of money just to eat with the crew!'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

The Red Carpet

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

"Once again, how little did you pay for this room?"

Excess Baggage: Many hotels, inspired by the airlines are gouging their guests by adding 'resort fees' to the room rates.

"Ted's been down in the dumps since they started giving greed a bad name."

"A large donation usually calms him down."

"The whole thing's much smaller than it seemed on TV."

Pretending To Care

'Memo: Cancel flight.'

"Actually, take us to your gift shop first."

Pussycat says to Owl: 'This is rubbish, can we PLEASE do Ibiza next year?'

Nothing to Lose But Our Knees

Foreclosure.

'It's bad enough that the stupid cruise ship didn't pick us up...'

Galley Plane.

"I thought you said you paid extra for a cabinet with a Seaview."

'It's Mexico, dear. They need some of their stuff back.'

Frank and Ernest's tips for travelers. When traveling makes you congested ... call rheum service. Sniff.

'An authentic Viking experience, you said. The cruise of a lifetime, you said. It'll be awesome, you said.'

'For heaven's sake! We're only going to the caravan for a week!'

"According to one of the reviews on Trip Adviser the beds aren't very good."

"I'm starting to think those rave reviews about this place are rigged."

Hotel: Price List

"Can you believe my parents? Taking a 2-week cruise on my future inheritance!"

"You should have been more specific when you booked a room with a sea view."

"Animals? Yes, sir, we're working on that."

'In retrospect, we should never have booked this titanic-themed cruise.'

Desert island 'Help' cards

'That's the last time you talk me into one of these party cruises!'