Hotel Critic Gifts

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'Gee, their sign looks just like what's on our towels at home.' 'The down side of teaching kids to read to early.'

All Visitors Must Be Orthodox

'And the shower stall has to be this wide.'

"Once again, how little did you pay for this room?"

"You should have been more specific when you booked a room with a sea view."

The Zero Vista Hotel

Excess Baggage: Many hotels, inspired by the airlines are gouging their guests by adding 'resort fees' to the room rates.

Do not disturb cockroaches by turning pillow to the cool side.

'Pool closed 3pm to 6pm. That's when we wash our sheets.'

'Well at least the bed was hard last night.'

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

Excess Baggage: Many hotels, inspired by the airlines, are gouging their guests by adding 'resort fees' to the room rates.

"I thought you said you paid extra for a cabinet with a Seaview."

Hotel: Price List

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Your lobster was off!

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"