Hotel Reviewer Gifts

"So much for online B'n'Bs, this guy's getting negative feedback."

'When you lie here you can see why it's called a Four Star Hotel. That's how many stars you can see through the hole in the roof!'

I just see a guy cleaning up an alley. I guess that's the "sweeping view" promised in their ad.

Bed and breakfast.

"Which website did you find this hotel on?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Can't Touch This

'After researching our dream vacation online with reviews, commentaries, we cams and pictures, we felt we'd been there and didn't need the trip!'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

'Nobody minds if I take the ocean view suite with complimentary champagne and Sven, the in-room Swedish masseur, do they?'

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"The food was o.k., but the atmosphere was terrible."

"The mint on the pillow was nice, but I'd prefer a chocolate fudge brownie."

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

'...and one 'death by chocolate', Sir.'

"Hey, waiter! This homework is burnt to a crisp!"

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

'It's first flush Darjeeling darling!'

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

International House of Excrement

"Wow!"

'Are you ready to be patronised yet?'

And so, Rudy unwittingly became an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. At first, he was furious having lost his weekly paycheck. But then it dawned on him: He was back in the dot-com game – for the first time in 20 years. He was practically a venture capitalist! I'm a social media investor. It's a multi-platform play with, obviously, huge mobile capability, global reach, soaring audience share. Revenue model? What? Huh? Beat it.

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Welcome to the French Quarter!"

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

'No Sir, it's not sunny here all the time. Never at night.'

Performance reviews in Hell.

"Once again, how little did you pay for this room?"