Hotel Reviewer Pillows

"So much for online B'n'Bs, this guy's getting negative feedback."

'When you lie here you can see why it's called a Four Star Hotel. That's how many stars you can see through the hole in the roof!'

Bed and breakfast.

"Which website did you find this hotel on?"

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

Can't Touch This

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

'After researching our dream vacation online with reviews, commentaries, we cams and pictures, we felt we'd been there and didn't need the trip!'

'Nobody minds if I take the ocean view suite with complimentary champagne and Sven, the in-room Swedish masseur, do they?'

"Darling, you never let me see the side of you that pays."

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'

"The food was o.k., but the atmosphere was terrible."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'...and one 'death by chocolate', Sir.'

"The mint on the pillow was nice, but I'd prefer a chocolate fudge brownie."

"We suggest you study the menu in our reading room before being seated in the dining room."

'It's first flush Darjeeling darling!'

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"Hey, waiter! This homework is burnt to a crisp!"

"Oh sorry, those are the Ten Commandments. Hang on, I'll get you a menu."

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

International House of Excrement

'No Sir, it's not sunny here all the time. Never at night.'

'Are you ready to be patronised yet?'

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

"Welcome to the French Quarter!"

"Wow!"

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Once again, how little did you pay for this room?"

Cut out and keep your own Room Service.

"This time, let's not just fill up on bread."

"Something photogenic for each of us."