Hotel Critique Pillows

"Would you like the £40 room or the £60 room?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

'He wrote a whole book on how to play a slot machine. I'm anxious for his next one: How to Set an Alarm Clock.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."