Hotel Critics Pillows

'I wouldn't stay there again, they treated us like royalty!' (Headline reads, MP slams royal famkly.)

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'