Hotel Critics Gifts

Frank and Ernest's tips for travelers. When traveling makes you congested ... call rheum service. Sniff.

'I wouldn't stay there again, they treated us like royalty!' (Headline reads, MP slams royal famkly.)

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"And how would you like your steak?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup