Motel Critics Gifts

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"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'He wrote a whole book on how to play a slot machine. I'm anxious for his next one: How to Set an Alarm Clock.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'